CD8 Fourth Night of Femara

So this cycle of Femara hasn't been too bad so far. I am on the 4th dose (and CD8) I have had hot flashes (nothing I am not used to lol) and then ovary pain starting on CD6 (again nothing I am unused to). I am very anxious to see how this cycle turns out since I started taking the 10mg prednisone on CD4 and then the Femara and baby aspirin added to the prednisone on CD5. The baby aspirin is still every other day and the prednisone is every night. I will ween down to 5mg of the prednisone  starting on CD12. 


I must admit I am a little jealous right now. There are a TON of ladies that are getting their BFP's right now. I know my time is coming and that I need to be patient. I just hope this cycle is it. I know I have said that a lot, but it's hard to not hope wish and dream of holding your baby. Don't get me wrong I know these ladies have all struggled right along with me and I couldn't be happier for them (seriously I am so ecstatic for them), but I wish I could join them in their happiness and feel what they are/have felt. I feel like some women can look at their husbands and get pregnant, I truly wish it was that easy for all of us. I just don't understand why some of us have to struggle so much. Especially when some of those people take for granted what comes so easy for them and tend to "accidentally" rub it in your face. Like I said a million times over I know I need to be patient, but I wish it came easier. Last month was a HUGE step in the right direction, but there is a lot more work my body needs to do lol! 


Until then I am enjoying what little time I have left to spend with my nephew before they leave to go home (3300 miles away). Absolutely love the little guy to pieces. He is an amazing little boy :) 

Had a wonderful Christmas!

Despite my best efforts to get a BFP this past cycle it obviously ended with an 11day LP which is no good. The good part to the whole situation is that I finally got my body to O though and that was a huge step in the right direction! 


My Christmas was wonderful! Hubby and I spent the night at my parents with my sis, bil, and nephew on Christmas Eve. Spending time with this little guy is going by WAY too quick, although it is amazing to be able to see him. I love him more than words can express! We still have a couple more Christmases to go and hoping they are as good as the first one :) 


After seeing my husband and how happy he was to see the little guy, and how great he was with him, it has made my head spin and change my thoughts as to what my next step is. I still have an appt Jan 9th with my RE, so we will see what he suggests at the time as well. I went back and forth for a little bit as to what to do in the meantime. I had two options either take the last of my femara (7.5mg for CD5-9) with the prednisone and baby aspirin again and hope and pray for the best, or start this diet that I have really been wanting to get going, but I can not do both things at once. So I have decided after much deliberation to go ahead with the Femara and try to eat lower carb and low sugar for this month and see what happens. 


am hoping and praying this month is it for us. We have been through so much, I just hope this is it. I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas as well, and hope for a ton of 2012 BFP's and babies ;) 

Looking like it's going to be bitter-sweet

So I haven't updated since there really hasn't been anything to update. 


I have been under a ton of stress thanks to my noisy neighbors upstairs waking my husband and I up every morning at 7-8am when we don't go to bed until around 2am (since hubby works 2nd shift). Hoping and praying things calm down with them soon or April 1st is going to take FOREVER to get here LOL! 


It's looking more and more like I am going to be starting my diet starting January 1st than anything at this point. I am 11dpo and I started spotting tonight after some serious cramping last night, that made me double over in pain (so severe I needed to take meds), and my emotions have been all over the place today. I thought it was just going to feel bitter sweet starting AF (since she has not started on her own in almost 4 years, and I FINALLY O-ed with ordered Femara, prednisone and baby aspirin) BUT to be honest it stings a LOT worse then I though imaginable since I am only 11dpo...that is NOT a good LP at all....now I have one more thing that I now need to figure out when I go to the RE....the Icing on the cake was really the LP defect that I have never had a problem with before....I just wish my body would work like it's supposed to. 


The pain hurts so much to think that I can not do something so easy for some. Stings even more from the ones who take it for granted. I feel so bad for my husband for having to deal with me and all these problems, especially not being easily able to give him a child like I should be able to. I have really married a wonderful man. I know some that would run. I honest to God do NOT wish this pain of infertility and m/c's upon my WORST enemy. 


I do not know if I will update this again before I start my diet, probably not, unless something drastically changes. 


Please don't take for granted what comes easily for you, because in the blink of an eye everything could change and your whole world could come crashing down right around you and the ground beneath your feet could crumble into pieces right before your own eyes. 


Sorry this blog isn't totally peaches n cream, but this is the truth and the reality and the true feelings behind the ugly face of infertility.

Either VERY Merry Christmas or Bitter Sweet One.......

The title pretty much speaks for itself, according to my BBT I am now 4dpo and should start on Christmas eve if I am not pregnant (14dpo)...So that means that yes FF did move my CH's from 9dpo to 4dpo.....Oh well at least I O'd....As much as it is going to sting if I am not pregnant, I am very excited to get on my diet (permanent life style change) to try and lose some weight, which I have struggled with my entire life....so it will be a bitter sweet reunion if I start AF (as I have not O'd in 3yrs. since I got pregnant only later to m/c).


I do have a plan of action for the following months if I do not get pregnant this month, which is starting my Ideal. Protein diet. I have finally received all of my products (as of today). I will more than likely wait to start the Ideal Protein diet until Jan 1st after the holidays, since I am going to be so close to the end of the month anyways, we will see how it all goes though. 


I am so excited to see my sis, BIL, and nephew in ten days!!!!!!!!! It has been way too long (since beginning of August)...and while Skype. is an amazing invention and I am VERY fortunate to get to see him a lot over it, it's just not the same as being able to see him in person and hold him :-/  I am fortunate that he does seem to recognize my voice as well when we get on there to talk, which I must admit is an amazing feeling....I always call his name when we get on and say "what are you doing baby boy" or "are you going to talk to me tonight" and his little face just lights up and he smiles, which is awesome :) 


That is all for now ;) Also, if I don't get pregnant and I start my diet I will just use this same blog to update my weight loss progress :) Hope everyone is doing well. 

Update

So I am now CD 27 and I "should" be 7dpo...BUT my temp has gone up really high the last 2 days....So when it looks like I O'd FF will be moving my CH's to CD 25 the day before the spike...so now I am only 2dpo and tomorrow when they move them it's going to be 3dpo instead of 8dpo LOL! Honestly I am just happy it looks like for sure that I O'd. Now the debate is whether to start my prometrium or ride it out....Some of the ladies on my board said it's very possibly a implant spike, but I am not 100% sure...I guess the only way to tell is going to be here over the next few days. 


Hubby and I met some amazing people over the weekend for dinner. It was a blast and I am truly grateful to know these ladies and to meet them in person was just an added bonus! 


Other than that, nothing much to report. Hope everyone is doing well :) 

Good news!

So today is a very good day so far. I am CD 25 AND I am 5dpo!!!!! I am also getting to meet a couple of my fellow "cysters" tonight for dinner!!!!!! Super stoked! I had been playing around with my temps a little and took out a couple temps that I was unsure over and it had given me the CH's, well today I just decided to put them back in to see what happens and I STILL get my CH's on the same day!!!!!!!! So needless to say I am not starting that diet right now, since it would not be enough to support a baby on if I get pregnant this cycle! My chart is actually looking pretty good right now! I am not trying to get my hopes up too high, but I am definitely excited! This would just be the icing on the cake if I get pregnant right before Christmas! Having my family home for Christmas (nephew, Sis and BIL) and then a BFP, would be an amazing dream come true!!!


Hope everyone is doing well!!! I will keep you all updated!

Change in plans

So there has been a HUGE change in plans since I last updated...


First my initial consultation for my Fertility dr was supposed to be Dec 2nd (tomorrow), and I get a call yesterday saying that he was going to be out of the office, then on vacation the last two weeks in Dec. AND completely booked next week...My initial response was to bawl my eyes out....but I couldn't do that for one I was driving and for two I had to remind myself that there is another plan in progress...


Second....my "new plan" is to continue ttc through this cycle (not letting it go to waste on purpose, not knowing if it's going to work or not), and also have ordered everything I need to get started on the "Ideal. Protein. Diet"....I am not going through a Dr or Chiropractic office like some do, but I am doing it through 3fatchicks(dot)com and also through 100% alternative products. In the midst of waiting for the products to arrive (still waiting, just ordered..should be here by Dec 9th or so), I had some pretty intense ovary pain in both ovaries and I just dismissed it as gas or GI problems from my metformin...well low and behold my temp has been on the lower end the last couple days and today I got a LOT of EWCM.....I am definitely NOT holding my breath here, but hoping that I get a miracle BFP before I have to go to the Fertility Dr's at all! A Christmas BFP would be ALL I want for Christmas....I seriously wouldn't want anything else (with the exception of a safe flight and a great time with my sis, BIL, and nephew when they are here ;) ) .....Either way I am at total peace this cycle, with however it turns out....If my temps start to sky rocket (looking like ovulation then I will hold off on starting my diet until BFN or obviously wouldn't start it if I get a BFP)...Hope you are all doing well ;) 

CD11

Hello to everyone who is following along. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Sorry I haven't updated recently, just busy with Thanksgiving and Black Friday and not too much to report. 


My temps have been strangely high so far this cycle, so I have no idea what that is about. I thankfully have not had any side effects this cycle with the Femara, I had very very mild bone pain one day and then hot flashes and that was it! I am super grateful for that! 


I am getting increasingly nervous and excited about my appointment Friday with the Fertility Specialists. I know these doctors are amazing, I just hope we can come up with some money to be able to see them. Hubby starts his new job on next Wednesday, but we can't get insurance for 6 months! Ouch....I am super thankful for this new job and the fact that we will be getting insurance, but yet again we are stuck in the waiting game! Urgh! Again I know that I need to be patient, but I feel time slowly slipping away with every day that fades away.  


Until next time, everyone stay safe and much love to my ladies following! 

CD6 Day 4 of 5 of Femara

Hi ladies! Just a quick update, not too much to report here other than I am on CD6 and day 4 of the 5 days of Femara and I am HAPPY to report that I have not had as many symptoms (knock on wood) this cycle as I did last cycle. I have had very minor hot flashes at night (kinda hard to fall asleep, but I can deal), and then some mild bone pain. I woke up with a TERRIBLE pain in my left shoulder. It feels like I just slept on it wrong though, nothing I can't work through. 


Had a wonderful day today with hubby. We had a couples day today since he had most of the day off and went to a movie (first time in a long time) and I am so thankful there were literally like 7 other people in the whole theater! How awesome....and Breaking Dawn Pt1 is AMAZING!!!!! I loved every second of it! 


As the holidays are quickly approaching I am reminded more and more of the pain. This year is going to be extremely rough as it is my 1st nephews 1st Christmas, and don't get me wrong I truly truly love my Nephew, sister and brother in law and they are absolutely the best parents a child could ask for, but this would be my daughter's third Christmas, and I am still sitting here with empty arms. I am not going to lie it is going to be extremely rough, but I am going to do what I need to so that my emotions do not ruin his first Christmas or any one else's for that matter....I would NEVER intentionally ruin that for anyone. 


Also as the holidays approach more and more people announce they are pregnant and don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy for most of them (who care for their kids, are good parents, and truly deserve it), but the ones who constantly bitch, piss and moan about their children who continue to have more....put yourself in an infertile's shoes and see if you'd still complain. Don't get me wrong, we ALL have our days, but when you see it over and over and over from the SAME people it gets old REAL quick, and those always seem to be the people who get pregnant SO quickly and so easily. Those are the people that need to take a step back, re-evaluate their lives and be THANKFUL that they did NOT have to struggle to get the  2, 3, 4, 5 kids they are constantly complaining about. I am know that I will be a wonderful mom and this time waiting and praying for my baby will make me such a better, more thankful, caring mom then some of these women who pop kids out like rabbits! Don't get me wrong like I said MOST of my friends are REALLY wonderful mothers, but some I would just like to smack reality into them! 


I know that God is perfecting my little angel(s) in every way shape and form, and I need to be patient....WAY easier said then done. 

CD 3 First Day of Femara

So today is CD3 of my cycle and let me tell you it has been anything but nice to me this time around. I am ready to ship AF to someone else! LOL Anyways tonight I took my first dose of Femara and First dose of Prednisone...I also have decided that I am going to do vaginal temping vs oral because I think it is more accurate, even though the few days I took it before AF started I had two different thermometers and the difference in temps was so minimal I was shocked....but I am hoping it will work better and show better results this cycle ;)  .......I really hope and pray that this works....Nothing more to report right now. I will keep you all posted :) 


PS what are your plans for Thanksgiving?! Hope you have a happy and safe holiday!

NEW Cycle!!!!!!!

I am so please to say that AF has started exactly 5 days after my last provera pill!!!! That is wonderful news, and I am so pleased to get this new cycle going! I knew this cycle was going to start off really rough since my back has been REALLY sore the last few days and unfortunately keeps getting worse...by far one of the worst s/e from inducing AF with provera is the pain that comes from it....but is it worth it?! HECK YES it is!!! 


I have decided for sure to start the Femara on CD3-7, 7.5mg's, going to add 10mg of prednisone every night CD3-O and then a baby aspirin every other day from CD5-O. Hopefully this is my magical combo! 


I still have an appt to go to my Fertility Dr.on Dec 2nd and I am going to keep that appt.and see what the Dr. has to say. 


I am extremely happy that everything is going very well right now and I feel very blessed that things are going in a positive direction!  I even got to Skype with my baby nephew and sister last night which was really great, since he lives across country, which makes it really hard, not being able to see the little guy. :-/ I am very thankful for technology though, as it has helped us be able to keep in touch and I get to see the little guy as much as possible! On that note they will also be here in 1 month and 8 days! I can't wait!!!!! 

Good Day!

So today we got the news we have been waiting on and that is that my husband got the full time job he has been trying to get!!!!!!! He has to go to his physical and everything on Wednesday, and sign all paper work by the day before Thanksgiving....I know exactly what I am thankful for this year, and that is this job! It not only is full time, more hours, insurance, and better pay! Who could ask for more! I am not too sure how good the insurance is, but even crappy insurance is better than none! :) 


As for my cycle my temps are still elevated and we are waiting for AF to start. I am on 3 days past my last pill right now, so I should see AF here soon, I would say within the next 4 days. :) I have decided to take the Femara again CD3-7 of my cycle and starting the prednisone from CD3-ovulation, and then wean off from there. I am very excited to start this new cycle and get on with it ;) 

Last day of provera!

So today was my last day of provera, so now I am anxiously awaiting on AF's arrival. There are some that think I O'd prior to taking the provera, but I am not too sure. The only way to find out is to just wait it out. I don't think my temp rise was from O-ing I think it was from the provera, even though provera doesn't normally raise my temperature that much. Oh well. 


In better news I went to my Fertility Seminar last night (Nov 10th) and it was great! A lot of the information they went over I already knew, and there were quite a few couples there. Most were younger couples (our age), but there were 2 or 3 couples that were older (mid-late 30's). It honestly makes me feel so much better than I am not alone in this battle with infertility. I am all set up with the initial consult for Dec. 2nd, I am hoping that I will be pregnant by then and not need to go through with the procedures and everything, but if not then it's great that I am all set up to go :-). I could have gotten in sooner, but I decided that I need to be patient and wait for the "best doctor" (from what I have heard from a few people). I am very excited at this opportunity to get into a fertility doctor that is actually "fluffy friendly". I am still going to stick to the plan that I have for now, which is taking femara 7.5mg with 10mg of prednisone to try and lower my testosterone and DHEA's enough to maybe ovulate, since this last cycle was a bust. 


Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for following along. 

Waiting again...

So I took the leap and decided to start provera, since I am CD 40 something and I decided that I needed to start taking provera to induce AF, since I still have not ovulated. So here I am again in the waiting game. Not too much else to report here. 


I have been doing the thankful for November on FB and let me tell you it really does feel good to be positive, when nothing else seems to be going in the right direction. 


Next course of action: Once AF starts I am going to lower the dose of Femara (7.5mg) CD 3-7 or CD2-6 (haven't quite decided) and take prednisone to lower DHEA's and testosterone, and hope for the best :) 


Hope everyone is well :) 

Thankful for November

So I have decided to take the challenge on FB to post something that I am Thankful for every day in November. I am not going to lie, being positive all the time is not something that I am used to so it is kind of difficult, but I am definitely making an honest effort! 


There has not been too much going on around here to update, but there are a possible change in plans happening LOL :). I went to a new OB/GYN on Nov 3rd and she was absolutely wonderful! She was VERY thorough, compassionate and caring (not something I am used to with dr's!). She let me know that when I do get pregnant I will be monitored VERY closely since I am a "VERY High risk pregnancy" considering my loss (which wasn't related to weight or PCOS...it was chromosomal), and the fact I have pcos, and of course my weight. I am very happy with my new dr. 


So I am facing a dilemma right now, I can either start my provera on Sunday, take it for 5 days, wait for AF and CONTINUE to try and lose some weight, or wait it out. It's all very confusing for me so I have reached out to my fellow cysters to get their opinions :) I will keep you posted on my decision. 


Have a GREAT weekend :)

It Could Be Worse.....

So I haven't posted in a few days, because I am trying to get my head straight and everything figured out. The stress has been unbearable, and the harder I tried to de-stress, more stress came. 


I had some really horrible news over the weekend that threw a wrench in my entire plan...the whole plan just took a nose dive. I asked myself several times could it get any worse? Absolutely. I have done a lot of deep soul searching and trying to figure out why me?! What have I done.....The same old thing I seem to do when I get depressed like this. I also immediately started questioning God, why does the bad keep happening to me? Do I feel like just throwing in the towel and laying down to let whatever happen happen? Absolutely, but I know that is not my answer. I have already thrown away 2.5 years, that I could have worked all this weight off, but I just didn't do it. Why? I have no clue, no motivation, no desire, no drive...those are all possible answers, and you may be sitting there asking yourself well isn't a baby enough motivation to lose weight and get healthy? It should be, and in some cases, for some women it is, but for me that is not how my brain works, I have no clue why. 


I have an appointment to see a new OB/GYN on Nov 3rd (which is this Thursday) and I am extremely nervous about seeing a new dr, as I never like to hear what they have to say (who does LOL). I know that at this point I am really going to try and start losing some weight. I have no other options at this point, and I really would like to be healthier going into a pregnancy. I have joined a free site that tracks calories and is awesome so far! It's called myfitnesspal(dot)com. It not only tells you how many calories you should be eating, but breaks it all down for you :)  


I finally prayed to God and asked him for help. I asked God to carry me, because right now in my life I can't do it on my own anymore and that I needed help and I put it all in His hands. Immediately when I asked for help, my heart felt lighter, I almost didn't believe it myself. I know I have to let go and let God, but why is it so hard? I am very thankful for my husband and the friends and family who HAVE helped us thus far and will continue to support us in this journey. I have to keep reminding myself, "It Could Be Worse".


Thank you all for reading and have a wonderful day :) 

A Breath Of Fresh Air!

Today has started out to be a WONDERFUL day! I just set up an appointment with The Fertility Center, close to where I live. I go to a seminar November 10th from 6:30-8:30pm, and then we can set up a free consult with the dr's! From there I am hoping to start an injectible cycle of meds (unless I get a surprise BFP at the end of this cycle!), which is another part of my great day, a couple of my friends from SC are willing to donate meds, if needed! I am in absolute utter shock right now and SO grateful for these two ladies. My cysters are TRULY amazing! Feels so good to just be able to breathe right now :) 

~*Couldn't Be Happier*~  

Wait....Wait....Wait....AND MORE WAITING!!!!!!

A woman with infertility, and PCOS is CONSTANTLY WAITING!!!!!!!!!! Not going to lie, it's no fun, but in the end I know all this waiting will be WELL worth the outcome. 


We start out by waiting for the blood test results, (the constant BFN we seem to face every month), once we confirm the beta is negative, then we start provera or some form of progesterone to start our cycles (some of us...including myself....meaning I didn't O the month prior), then waiting for AF to start after stopping the provera. Next it's waiting until CD3 or CD5 to start our meds, once the meds are in, then we wait to O, once we finally do O, it's on to waiting in the 2ww (from point of O until AF, BFP or BFN). ALWAYS WAITING! 


Things you can do in your 2ww to keep your mind occupied:


 While in the two week wait (2ww) you may want to keep busy and stop obsessing.

You have done everything trying to get pregnant. You made love regularly, enough and at the right time. But now you are facing the dreaded 2ww. The 2ww stands for "the 2 week wait," the time between ovulation and your menstrual period. Hopefully your menstrual period won't come and you will be rewarded with a positive pregnancy test.

But what are you going to do while you  wait these 14 days before you know if you have succeeded in getting pregnant?

Here are 50 things to do in the 2ww:

1. Take your daily prenatal vitamins including folic acid
2. Write a daily journal
3. Update your facebook page
4. Don't smoke
5. Don't drink alcohol
6. Set some goals and write them down
7. Make a new budget
8. Write down babynames
9. Make your home green
10. Organize your home
11. Treat yourself to facials and bubble baths
12. Eat healthy - leafy vegetables contain a lot of folic acid
13. Go out and have good food - Once you are pregnant you may not geel like it
14. Drink pineapple juice or fresh pineapple slices - contains selenium which aids with implantation
15. Eat walnuts
16. Use loose clothes : nothing that fits too tight
17. Don't lift anything too heavy
18. Exercise - but in moderation
19. Take long walks
20. Hydrate well - Drink 1 or 2 liters of water each day
21. Enjoy making love - at this point it's for pure fun not bab ymaking
22. If you have to, drink coffee but limit it to 2 cups a day
23. Go out,
24. Try to stay busy so you do not obsess too much
25. Find a good obstetrician
26. Investigate good hospitals
27. Calculate the exact day when your pregnancy test should be positive
28. Watch one dvd a day
29. Send your husband a love letter each day
30. Clean up the refrigerator 
31. Get rid of toxic chemicals in your house
32. Take a regular nap - Naps are God's gift to the impatient.
33. Meditate - Do Yoga
34. Spend more time talking to your husband
35. Go out with a girlfriend for some tea
36. Ask your husband to do the vacuuming, dishwasher, laundry, and garbage disposal
37. Practice peeing on a stick - with a Q tip
38. Investigate life insurance
39. Paint your rooms - During pregnancy the smells may drive you crazy
40. Reorganize the kitchen
41. Do some gardening
42. Repot your plants
43. Take the dog for long walks
44. Check the medicine cabinet and throw out old medications
45. Wash the dog
46. Go to a museum - each day a different one
47. Cut coupons
48. Watch for maternity clothes sales
49. Read a good book, or two, or three..
50. Reorganize your closets

Taken from :

http://www.babymed.com/getting-pregnant/50-things-do-2ww

Finally a possible light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!

So I have been feeling very down the last few days, between finding out who your true friends are, and my body not doing what it should be doing, it's been very stressful.....Up until just a minute ago! 


For many women seeing CM change throughout their cycle is nothing new to them (most have no idea what they are looking for anyways lol, and may not notice the change!) and they see it month in and month out, well for us PCOSer's we are LUCKY to see certain CM at all LOL....Well last night and today my uterus/ovary area has been very crampy and both ovaries have been very crampy today (almost painful)....I haven't been doing opk's since I ran out of the one kind and don't want to mix them mid cycle. Well anyways today I just got a LOT of ewcm....I am soooo happy (this is something that I haven't seen in a LONG LONG time...that I ever remember anyways). Hopefully I will be in my 2ww as of tomorrow or the following day! How exciting!!!!! :D 


Thank you too all who are supporting and following my journey as well as the many many prayers that have been said for DH & I...It means more than you will ever know ;) 

Tired Of Fake Ass People

So I wasn't going to post anything, but I am REALLY tired of some fake ass people in my life. If you have to "confirm" your story with another person...you are a LIAR....period....Forever talking crap behind everyone's backs and then being nice to their face....again FAKE....NO your journey is NOTHING like mine...PERIOD...your struggles are NOTHING like mine, YOU have NEVER suffered a LOSS.....PERIOD....so just BACK OFF....you don't know a thing about me and my journey that is pretty obvious! But you are supposed to be a "friend" yeah f*cking right! 

No change....more confusing days ahead

So there is nothing really to report that is new. My temps are still very low, and nothing has changed as far as my cycle goes. I stopped doing OPK's yesterday, as it was my last test in the container. I am going to continue taking my temps every morning and see what they do from here, if nothing happens by around CD35 then I will give up on this cycle and call it quits for a while. I am not going to hold my breath for a miracle as that is what it is going to really going to take to make something happen this cycle. 

A better day

After a few days that have been extremely difficult I have finally been able to calm down again. The emotions that come with this journey are so overwhelming that anyone not experiencing it has no idea! For some of us the days just come and go with the same monotone as the rest, and for others of us the days come and go with bumps similar to a roller coaster. When you first see that +opk you want to jump for joy, but at the same time you have to be cautiously optimistic (like I said previously), since us with PCOS can have so many false +'s. 


So finally yesterday I got another +opk that lines up with the dramatic temp drop I had taking away my CH's on FF (saying that I did not O when I/FF thought I did), and also the increased urination, and sore bb's. So here I am still stuck in limbo waiting for the next few days temps. If I did/do O today I would be due July 13th. We will see in the coming days what my temps do and hopefully I get a nice huge temp rise indicating O so I can hopefully get back in the 2ww and hopefully get a BFP at the end of this month. Oddly enough my sister was due July 13th with my nephew, Cherri22 a baby psychic said I would conceive, or get a positive test in November of this year or due the following November with a boy (I don't take too much stock into psychic's but it's just weird how everything is lining up). None of this was "planned" to fall on these days at all. I was hoping for a CD16 day O, but I will gladly take CD26, if it gets me a beautiful baby in my arms ;-). Another odd thing lining up is that I was supposed to go to a new ob/gyn for a physical and the dr's office "lost my referral" from JULY, so finally when I called they said they had to get a new referral and send it over, blah blah and then they send me my paperwork in the end of September saying that I have an appointment November 3rd which would be 13dpo, which is when they would be able to confirm pregnancy!  


Hopefully my next post you will get is a happy my CH's are back post! 

Hoping to wake up from this nightmare

So when I took my temp this am it was very low (dropped below my cover line). So I have no idea what is going on this cycle now. I am ready to throw in the towel and give up, but I know I just can't do that. The Opk's are back to way negative. I don't know if my temp is low because my room temperature was FREEZING this morning or what. I am hoping that my temp goes back up and gives me hope this cycle. 


I am really trying to relax and let whatever happen, happen, but it is extremely hard being 25yrs old with that thought in the back of your mind as to whether you are every going to be a mommy or not, when it is something that you have dreamed about since you were a little girl. It's a nightmare that I really hope to wake up from soon. It's amazing to think that one day you wake up and get the most terrible news in the world that destroys your life and what you had always dreamed of having. I have really come to a conclusion that if I do not ovulate from this cycle then I am going to take some time off from ttc and really focus on losing weight and possibly just taking Vitex or something, and if I DO ovulate by some miracle this cycle and do not get pregnant I will do another cycle of Femara. This whole process with infertility is for the birds! It tests not only your own faith but the strength of your marriage/relationship as well. I never imagined I would be the one walking in these shoes. 


Hopefully there will be a positive post in the next few days that my temp shot way up and there is still hope this cycle, but as it's looking right now, it's not looking like that is going to happen. Miracles do happen and that is REALLY what this cycle is going to have to turn into. Thank God tomorrow is a new day.  

CD19-22

So the last few days have been pretty rough. I am not sure that I did ovulate after all. So I am sitting here in limbo again. My opk's started to get darker again (forgot to take one this am...dang it!), and also started having more ovulation pain (for sure in ovaries, on both sides) and also had an increase in cm all of a sudden. So I have no idea what is going on...I guess we will just have to wait and see in the next week what my temps do. I wish I just had insurance so that I could go and get monitored, or I wish even more that I just ovulated every month on my own so I don't have to go through all of this pain and emotional roller coaster. 


I just want to know why me? Why am I the one who has to go through this, why my girls on my board? What have we done that is so bad that we are forced to go through this heart ache and pain? Why not the drug addicted fools who use drugs through their whole pregnancy and have no desire to have a child....WHY?! 


I am so thankful for who and what I have in my life. My hubby knew that I had a rough day on sweetest day and also pregnancy loss day, so he brought me home a dozen roses in my favorite color (pink!). They are gorgeous and he always knows what to do to help me through these rough times. Without him by my side I could not do this. Also on the remembrance day my sister posted on my FB wall that she was thinking about me and sending me lots of hugs across country. It means more to me than she will ever know. To have my families support is the only thing I have ever wanted. For them to recognize that I AM actually going through the emotional roller coaster of emotions caused by infertility...and it SUCKS! Now if I could just get other family members on board without the added "fake-ness" and just true support it would make this journey a lot easier. 


In the end I know that God whom I call my higher power does have a plan for me. I don't understand why he has chosen this long hard path of infertility for me, but I know it will all work out in the end and I need to have faith that God will not let me down. 

Today is national Infant and pregnancy loss day :-(

So I knew I needed to do an updated blog but I have been debating on what to write about. So I chose this topic.


Today is national Infant and pregnancy loss day. I knew it was coming up, but I have been dreading this day since September is the month that my daughter was due (Sept. 14th) and then a month and a day later it is Infant/pregnancy loss day. Of course I can not just avoid the day, but I also do not want to mourn all day either. Today also happens to be sweetest day. So in order to not mourn the whole day I have allowed myself to cry the tears I need to cry and light a candle in remembrance of my daughter. I have learned a lot since entering/completing counseling a few months back. It is ok to mourn the loss of my daughter, but it is not ok for it to control my life (which it hasn't). The pain is still fresh in the back of my mind, and I do not think I will ever be "totally over it". When someone suffers a loss that has infertility it's absolute hell. There is always that wonder "will I ever be able to have children". No one can honestly answer that question besides God himself. I know once I get the joy to hold a precious child I created in my arms that life, and the loss of my daughter will become easier, but it's something that I will never forget, and until then the pain is still there. 


I will always be proud to say that I am a mommy of an angel baby. 


Please light a candle in remembrance of all babies born sleeping, lost in utero, or the loss of an infant.
  

CD 17&18

Wanted to give you guys a quick update!!!! So according to FF, if I get one more higher temp then I get solid CH's on CD16!!!!!!! Which at that point would mean I am 3dpo :) .....I am almost certain that I did O, according to all the symptoms I have gotten around/before/after the day I am thinking is O day (increased appetite, sore bb's/nips, sleepy, headache etc). 


So let the horribly long 2WW begin :/ ....I am not a very patient person for those who truly know me lol....I am going to attempt holding off peeing on anything (LOL) until at least 12-13dpo....that is my hope anyways! LOTS of prayers needed for a sticky BFP this month!!!!!!!! XOXO


Here is a link to my chart for anyone who would like to see it/knows how to read BBT charts LOL 
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/373d9d/

CD 15&16

I am thinking that I got a +opk on CD 14 & CD16 (which is today), along with a nice temp dip this am. I am hoping this is the real thing (O), I am not trying to get my hopes up too much though...I am being cautiously optimistic :) We will see in the next couple of days :) According to fertility friend I could ovulate between CD14 and CD18 (which is 48 hours after the CD16 +opk). I hope and pray this is it for us! 

CD 13&14

So far my temps are staying pretty consistent in the 97.xx range. The OPK's are DEFINITELY getting darker! Hopefully I will get a positive in the next few days. I am not getting my hopes up too much though since I know that it can delay O until around CD 21+....I hope it's sooner than that, but only time will tell, and patience LOTS of patience, which is NOT my strong suit! 


Hope everyone is having a great weekend! It's been nice, warm and sunny here in Mi (which is quite nice, since some have said rain and snow where they live!). Going over to my parents house today to do laundry and have dinner. :) We are having chicken strips, onion rings and mozzarella sticks (ALL homemade!) Yummy!!! Not too healthy but it sure does sound good! I am also making hubby a chocolate pudding pie since he doesn't like the berry pie that my parents have LOL! 

CD 11&12

Nothing much to report still. My temperatures have been crazy the last couple of days, I have no idea what is going on with them! I have increased "ovary action" in my right ovary, but that's about it! The OPK's are still negative, so I know that I still haven't O'd yet....Patiently waiting and praying that the Femara does in fact work for us! Feeling so much better finally! Hope everyone is doing well! 

Comments

I just realized that I had the comment part set up wrong. So if you would like to comment, now you all should be able to :) Sorry about that. 

CD 10

Nothing much going on here. Hubby has been working long afternoon/night shifts this week (it's been 1:30-9:30pm) so dinner is kind of hard. Got a lot of stuff done yesterday. Finally starting to feel a little better since the meds have finally kicked in. Have been taking OPK's every morning and there is still a light line, but no where near a positive...yet... I hope we both can get feeling back up to 100% before I end up ovulating. I am CD10 right now, so hopefully I don't ovulate (IF I do) until CD 14+


A LOT of bickering on my Soy/FB group...I really hope it calms back down, as I didn't create the group to bicker with one another. I understand that TTC is a LOT on all of us, but I hope we can all get passed this. I love the girls like they are my own sisters. I would hate to see the group break up. 

CD 8&9

The last couple days have been pretty uneventful and not too much to update on, other than the fact that Mike and I both ended up in urgent care last night and both ended up being sent home with Bactrim for UTI's (and I also got sent home with diflucan for a Y/I...lovely)....seriously UGH! The DR said it is possibly from the new med (Femara) or the pre-seed, or sheer "luck of the draw".....I hope this doesn't end up ruining this cycle :/ , but since I am so early in this cycle I hope it doesn't effect it at all. We shall see. Not feeling any cramping or anything in the ovaries yet, and OPK's are still negative so hopefully we will both be better by the time ovulation time rolls around. Wish us luck!!!!!!!!!!! 

CD 7

Hello all- Short post today. Very excited to say that tonight is my last dose of Femara! I can't wait to see how it works!! Mike and I are going over to my parents house today so that we can do some laundry (we usually do this once weekly), plus we always try to get a weekly game of dominoes (Mexican train) in as well. Have a great day everyone!!! :) 

Can I please have my dessert now?!

Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."

The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you."

You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

CD6

Nothing major to report here, on CD6 and I have for sure ruled out the femara causing the puking. I took the 3rd dose last night and I had no feelings of nausea or vomiting (didn't on the 1st dose either!), I was extremely happy to rule out the femara. Still have a minor headache and minor joint pain, nothing I wouldn't deal with again if it gives me the magical BFP I have been dreaming about since the day we started trying. So here's to hoping those little follies are growing nice and big :) and actually release!!!! Praying very hard that this is it for us! I would be happier to have a BFP for Christmas than all the gifts in the world! 

CD 5

Last night was my second dosing of the Femara. I was doing ok all day long with the exception of a few s/e's which were mild joint pain, mild headache, again still nothing major and some of this could even be chalked up to the nasty weather changes we have had. I went out and did some shopping and picked up hubbies replacement ring from Helzbergs's, along with a few other places, then waited for him to get out of work so we could grab some dinner. We went to Applebee's for dinner (we always try to do one thing every couple of weeks or so). I was still feeling ok until we went to bed. Then I got extremely nauseousness and ended up getting sick. I was very worried that I did not absorb the pills, but I called the pharmacy and they said they are "rapidly absorbed" so that was a relief since I had taken them almost 4 hours prior. I knew getting sick had nothing to do my meds since my husband was sick as well but dang it! LOL Once I got sick I went back to bed and felt 100% better. Today I still feel fine today so I am really happy about that :) Very excited to see how Femara works for me :) Hope everyone is doing well! 

CD 4

Last night was the first time I have ever taken Femara. I was a little uneasy and a little nervous, but I always get like that starting any new type of medication (even OTC natural herbs LOL). I didn't really have an s/e from the Femara other than it raised my temperature a little bit, which gave me VERY mild hot flashes, other than that nothing really. I slept really well last night too, but I can't say for sure whether that was the Femara or if it was just because I was really tired (LOL). Nothing else really to report yet :) 

A New cycle!

So today is CD3 of my cycle and the big day that I get to start Femara. I am very excited, but also very nervous. Always nervous to start something new, but I REALLY hope this is it for us! This cycle is obviously unmonitored (meaning that I will be POAS from about CD 10 until I get a +opk...oh the obsession starts again LOL) as we do not currently have health insurance yet. I will let you know if there are any s/e to this new med. I hope not but you never know, since it is going to change my hormones! I have read great reviews on it and 99% of the ladies say that they never had any s/e (so that is promising!). I will keep you all posted!

Thanks again for all your support! Means the world!

A Special Thanks

I just wanted to give all my supporters and people who encourage me to continue a HUGE Thank you. I have met some WONDERFUL ladies on a site called Soul Cysters and I have become such great friends with so many of the wonderful ladies on there, who truly understand what I am going through since they have the exact same condition (but obviously it may not effect us the same). Also special Thanks to all my outside friends and family who have been there through everything thus far. Without you special people in my life I do not know where I would be. I love all of you and Thank you.  

A Fast Forward To Now

I met my husband in Dec 2008, through an old customer of mine (which also happens to be his cousin). I was leaving a terrible relationship, and he was staying with his cousin's mom. We met up for the first time after my friend Angela and I were done working. He was kind of quite and shy, but definitely trying to impress me, right from the beginning (LOL). From Dec until Jan we didn't really have any contact, until we all met up again sometime in January. Again he was still quite and a little shy but trying even harder this time to impress me. I was surely flattered, it felt so good to be "wanted" again. After that again we did not have any contact until I locked myself out of my house that day, I called his cousin to see if he could come and pick me up to take me to my ex's work so that I could get the other house key. He said "I don't really feel like it but do you want me to ask my cousin" I was nervous but willingly accept the offer since I had no way to drive my car, or get back into my house! Every since that day it's been history. We have had our fair share of ups and downs, but like any other couple we have made it through them.

We have had some very mixed emotions on our relationship, but I will spare the family drama as that is not what this blog was intended for. All that matters is that my husband and I are happy which we are.

We ended up getting married on our 1 1/2 yr anniversary of dating. After a gorgeous wedding (everything was perfect) and a very eventful reception, we celebrated our honeymoon in Las Vegas. We stayed at the New York New York Hotel & Casino in a Jacuzzi suite, it was gorgeous and Las Vegas is an amazingly beautiful city (especially at night). We still couldn't really fully "enjoy" ourselves on our honeymoon since we both had a nasty stomach bug, so we ended up going back for our one anniversary. This time we stayed in the middle of the strip at Harrah's Hotel and casino in a strip view room...Talk about breath taking views!!!! Since we were center strip we could see the Mirage hotel right across from us and see the volcano right from our room!

We originally started "really" trying to conceive on our wedding night. Obviously I knew it wasn't going to happen since I was not ovulating...Wishful thinking I know! So since then we have tried a variety of natural remedies, like losing weight (lost over 30lbs and kept it off so far) and still no return of normal cycles, natural remedies (like FertilAid and Soy Isoflavones) and still not working. I stopped the FertilAid after a month on it since I got discouraged way too easily. I was hoping it would be my "magical combination" although I knew that it could take up to 6 months to start working properly. So then I decided to start taking Soy Isoflavones, after reading all the good bad and ugly information I possibly could on the internet. Well not only did it make me a bear to deal with it also didn't work! After three cycles of it I was done with it for good. So here we are and I finally broke down and ordered Femara from an online pharmacy and I am looking forward to starting that this cycle! I really hope and pray that this is our miracle ticket! I will keep you updated on the side effects and all that other good jazz.

My Response 2 Hurtful Comments (About IF & m/c)

These are some of the comments that have been said to me personally about infertility and things that have been said to me after experiencing a loss. I will keep peoples names out of this as I am not trying to call anyone out, just trying to make it known that these comments really do hurt!


About My Miscarriage-


It just wasn't meant to be-  Really? It wasn't meant to be, I think I have already figured that much out for myself, as I do believe in God myself, but Thank you for reminding me though. 


Everything happens for a reason- Like I didn't know that. Thank you for the most "generic" response in the world. The same reason I am ready to slap you! 


Just let it go/you need to get over it- Thank you captain obvious for stating the obvious. I AM "over" my daughter's death, but I will NEVER forget it. Just because I never got to meet my daughter in real life does NOT mean that I did not love her. Imagine losing your child and tell me you would just "get over it". Everyone grieves differently. I do NOT tell you how to grieve, so please do NOT tell me how to grieve. 


You weren't ready to be a mother anyways- Excuse me who the hell are you to tell me whether I am ready to be a mother or not?! I would NEVER tell someone who JUST lost a child. 


At least you won't be linked to her piece of crap father for the rest of your life- I am so glad that they only thing you seem to be worried about is who her father was! 


Well your daughter is in a better place- While that may be true, I don't think that is an appropriate response to my loss and was pretty heartless. 


The one that takes the cake:


You're better off because your daughter would have had "problems"- EXCUSE ME! Who in the EFF do you think you are?! I don't care what you think, that was MY daughter. HOW DARE you tell me that I am better off without my daughter!!! How do you know that?! No matter what that was MY daughter!!!! Just because she would of had disabilities does NOT make her any less of my daughter are you kidding me?!   




About Trying To Conceive-


Are you really infertile- First of all why in the hell would I lie about being infertile?! They compare the pain of infertility just beneath CANCER (YES you read that right CANCER). If you have been trying to conceive for 12 months or more without pregnancy that IS infertility. Also the last time that I checked you needed to ovulate TO get pregnant (and that is one thing that I lack).


Relax and it will happen- We all probably know a couple or two who was infertile and they "just relaxed" and got pregnant. If I "just relaxed" it would NEVER happen PERIOD. Again you HAVE to ovulate to get pregnant, and relaxing is NOT going to change that at all. 


You got pregnant before it will happen again- REALLY?! Can you see into the future and tell me 100% that you know for sure it will happen? I didn't think so. Just because there are several meds out there to help you get pregnant does NOT confirm that I will become pregnant again!


When you have a baby your PCOS will be cured- Since when did you become a Dr.?! Last time I checked there is NO cure for PCOS! Just because I MAY be able to have a baby with some meds does NOT mean in ANY way shape or form that I am "cured". PCOS is a METABOLIC syndrome and at this current time there are no "cures", but it CAN be treated. 


Just take some fertility meds- Wow really...you don't think I have already tried some of that?! I wouldn't be posting about infertility if I have not been struggling for over a year and already tried some meds?! Do you understand how these meds make me feel?! Didn't think so. 


It can't be that bad/it could be worse- REALLY?! Can you tell me what possibly could be worse then not feeling like a woman, and not being able to hold a precious baby of your own in your arms....not that bad, meds here and there, constant mood swings on the meds, peeing on sticks to try and track ovulation, tracking our basal body temperatures, and the ultimate heartbreak we face EVERY single month peeing on that last stick (pregnancy test), which turns out negative and seeing nothing more than the control line, before having to take some more awful meds (which create's more mood swings) to induce a "fake period", and the whole process starts over again. 


You should be happy you don't have a normal period. I would love it.- Hmm last time I knew you had to have a cycle (ovulation) to get pregnant. So no normal period means no ovulation, making it virtually impossible to conceive, but thanks for thinking of yourself! 


Lose weight and you will fall pregnant- Again I didn't know that you were a Dr. Losing weight MAY help me, but it hasn't thus far. Losing weight is NOT an answer to everyone's infertility struggle, as there are MANY "thin" cysters out there struggling with infertility as well. 


The one that takes the cake-


Why don't you just adopt- Well first off adopting is NOT as easy as you may think. Second I would do ANYTHING to have my own child. You HAVE your own child(ren) PLEASE do not tell me to "just adopt". This was by far one of the most hurtful comments I have faced thus far. We have not been trying to conceive for a super long time and I REFUSE to give up that easily. Domestic adoption costs around $15,000....would you like to pay for it for me? Adoption also is JUST (if not more) heart wrenching then trying to conceive with infertility. IF we decide to give up and go that route THEN you can "push us to adopt" but that is IF and when. PERIOD!


Anyone who is still reading this and either is or is not TTC/has infertility PLEASE think before you speak. Words are like stones and once they are thrown they can NOT be taken back!!

A painful loss

This post is about the loss of my daughter. This is a pain that I have suffered that I can not compare to anything.
I found out I was pregnant at 6wk3d +/-3d on Januaray 21st 2008, I was through the roof....then all too soon things came crashing down right when I thought I was to a "safer point" in my pregnancy. As I entered into my 11wk of pregnancy I could see a light at the end of the tunnel...I was quickly approaching 12wks which is a huge milestone!

Feb 26th 2008 my life was changed forever, my worst nightmare came true. I was 11wk3d pregnant. I was working when I started to have severe cramping and mild spotting, so I called my bf at the time and we decided we need to rush to the emergency room to see if there was anything wrong, or anything we could do. When we get there I am rushed back into a room so they could take blood work and do an u/s, by this time everything was getting worse and I knew that the outcome was grim. The u/s tech's came into my room with a portable u/s machine and started doing a t/v u/s. The one tech you could tell was new because she kept asking lots of questions to the other tech. One in particular caught my attention and that was "how long do babies live in the yolk sac", I REALLY knew something was wrong at this point. As the clock ticked I became more and more anxious. Finally the doctor came in around 2 hours after the u/s. He looked at us and said "I'm sorry" (with a long pause) "Your baby no longer has a heart beat", walked out of the room, and shut the door behind him. Nothing else! I wanted answers, and I wanted them NOW!

As the tears began to swell in my eyes I could no longer contain myself and broke down. A million and one things began to run through my head. How could this happen to me?! What did I do wrong? Did I not quit smoking soon enough? Was it that my Dr took me off my metformin? Was it because I accidently drank alcohol on New Years Eve (at 3wks preg)? The list goes on.

Finally an HOUR after they told me that (I just wanted to leave) the Dr came back in and said I am trying to get in contact with your OB so that you can get an appt. and they can go over your options. I said please hurry up I want to leave. Another 15minutes passed and they said they were finally able to get ahold of my OB and that my appointment was scheduled for Feb 28th 2008 at 9am.

The next day I ended up going back to another hospital because I was in so much pain that I physically could not take it. I get there, sit in the waiting room for over FOUR hours, knowing that I was having a m/c (it took 2 people CALLING the ER dept's bosses to get me back to a room). I get back there and they wanted to do yet another exam. I said "look I JUST had all of this yesterday and you can do and u/s but you are NOT doing another exam". Long story short they ended saying that I wasn't even "fully m/c-ing yet" I was FLOORED. How in the world can I be in so much pain and this hasn't even fully started? How is that possible? Then end up sending me home with "bed rest" and percocet (a VERY strong pain killer).

Feb 28th rolls around, and as I patiently wait in the waiting room at my OB's office I see all these pregnant bellies in the waiting room. I ended up "hiding in a corner" until my name was called, because I couldn't imagine someone seeing my face the way it was. They call me back right on time to do another u/s and "hope the other ER missed the heart beat". The nurse was amazing she explained everything to me before hand and hoped for the best. As she started the u/s I could feel my heart sink....I was closely watching the monitor in front of me hoping to see something....the tech said "hunnie I am so sorry this is where your babies heartbeat should be", then continued on saying "these are her little arms and legs etc". At this point I was numb. The u/s tech took me straight back to a room to wait for the Dr to come in and talk to us. The on call doctor was the one who was seeing me (ultimately I ended up switching to her because she was so amazing!), I was a little nervous at first seeing a new doctor and not knowing what to expect, but she ended up being AMAZING. She talked about her personal m/c and let me know that she was "truly sorry" and knew what I was feeling. She thoroughly explained all of my options, which were wait to m/c naturally, or have an emergency D&C. She also explained that the D&C was our best option since there was a lot of swelling around the baby and it might be able to get some "answers" as to what happened, since the baby had died at 8wks. She left the room and let us decide (she gave us about 15mins to discuss it). She came back in the room and we told her that we had decided to go ahead and get the D&C. I was immediately rushed from my OB's office across the sky way in a wheelchair to the hospital to outpatient surgery. By this point I was still numb. I registered at the desk and patiently waited. Only about 15minutes went by and a nurse called my name, I felt another little piece of me fade away. The nurse wheeled me into my outpatient room and helped me get into my gown, she said it will be a little bit before they come and get you. Well about 30mins. went by and they were up there ready to get me. I was wheeled down to pre-op and was prepared for surgery. As the anesthesiologist came near me I suddenly was no longer "numb" and the emotional pain really started to set in. He explained everything (which I have had a surgery before so this was nothing new), but I always seem to get scared before I go under. As he approached me I started crying uncontrollably, my OB was right there with me through the ENTIRE process (once I got into the pre-op room and essentially why I switched to her), she held my hand and promised me that I would ok and she would take care of me. Roughly an hour later I was being woke up in the OR and screamed out in pain (I woke up in excruciating pain)...I ended up being re-sedated long enough to get me pumped full of pain meds. I ended up waking back up in the recovery room still in a TON of pain. By the time I left the recovery room they gave me 4 shots of toradol and 4 shots of dilaudid. I got back up to my room, they discharged me and I was on my way home.

The emotional pain had barely begun. My mother had come over to help me around the house and take care of some things for me so that I could rest. I laid on the couch but could not rest all I could do was cry. As the days past it seemed to get a tad easier each day. I had my surgery on a Thursday and was back to work on a Saturday. The comments and "condolences" I received was much more than I could have ever imagined. Some were very appreciated, and some I would have appreciated they kept to themselves (I will include that in another part of the blog).

Finally 3 weeks had passed and I got a phone call from my OB's office while working, they told me they had the results from the D&C. They told me that my baby had something called Turner Syndrome. I asked her first what that was and she said she honestly didn't know other than it was a chromosomal error, and there was nothing I could have done to save my baby, which was a HUGE weight lifted off of my shoulders, even though it still hurt extremely bad. I then asked the sex of my baby and she told me it was a baby girl. Turner Syndrome is a very rare chromosomal error. They do not know what causes it, and it only happens in baby girls.

The hospital had sent me home with a ton of paper work on m/c and even a little book on it, which all seemed to help. A family member sent me a book which was the most helpful of all things I was given. The book was called "Empty Arms" By: Pam Vredevelt, it was written to help people who have suffered still birth, tubal pregnancies, and miscarriages.

As the days go on the pain gets better, but it is something that I will never forget and I don't think the pain will ever completely go away. I still light a candle and shed some tears on the day that I had my surgery when my baby was really "gone" and also the day that she was due which is September 14th.

This part of the blog is dedicated to my baby girl Madyson Lee....My sweet angel who grew wings and flew to our savior sooner than mommy ever could have imagined. I will never forget you baby girl!