A Breath Of Fresh Air!

Today has started out to be a WONDERFUL day! I just set up an appointment with The Fertility Center, close to where I live. I go to a seminar November 10th from 6:30-8:30pm, and then we can set up a free consult with the dr's! From there I am hoping to start an injectible cycle of meds (unless I get a surprise BFP at the end of this cycle!), which is another part of my great day, a couple of my friends from SC are willing to donate meds, if needed! I am in absolute utter shock right now and SO grateful for these two ladies. My cysters are TRULY amazing! Feels so good to just be able to breathe right now :) 

~*Couldn't Be Happier*~  

Wait....Wait....Wait....AND MORE WAITING!!!!!!

A woman with infertility, and PCOS is CONSTANTLY WAITING!!!!!!!!!! Not going to lie, it's no fun, but in the end I know all this waiting will be WELL worth the outcome. 


We start out by waiting for the blood test results, (the constant BFN we seem to face every month), once we confirm the beta is negative, then we start provera or some form of progesterone to start our cycles (some of us...including myself....meaning I didn't O the month prior), then waiting for AF to start after stopping the provera. Next it's waiting until CD3 or CD5 to start our meds, once the meds are in, then we wait to O, once we finally do O, it's on to waiting in the 2ww (from point of O until AF, BFP or BFN). ALWAYS WAITING! 


Things you can do in your 2ww to keep your mind occupied:


 While in the two week wait (2ww) you may want to keep busy and stop obsessing.

You have done everything trying to get pregnant. You made love regularly, enough and at the right time. But now you are facing the dreaded 2ww. The 2ww stands for "the 2 week wait," the time between ovulation and your menstrual period. Hopefully your menstrual period won't come and you will be rewarded with a positive pregnancy test.

But what are you going to do while you  wait these 14 days before you know if you have succeeded in getting pregnant?

Here are 50 things to do in the 2ww:

1. Take your daily prenatal vitamins including folic acid
2. Write a daily journal
3. Update your facebook page
4. Don't smoke
5. Don't drink alcohol
6. Set some goals and write them down
7. Make a new budget
8. Write down babynames
9. Make your home green
10. Organize your home
11. Treat yourself to facials and bubble baths
12. Eat healthy - leafy vegetables contain a lot of folic acid
13. Go out and have good food - Once you are pregnant you may not geel like it
14. Drink pineapple juice or fresh pineapple slices - contains selenium which aids with implantation
15. Eat walnuts
16. Use loose clothes : nothing that fits too tight
17. Don't lift anything too heavy
18. Exercise - but in moderation
19. Take long walks
20. Hydrate well - Drink 1 or 2 liters of water each day
21. Enjoy making love - at this point it's for pure fun not bab ymaking
22. If you have to, drink coffee but limit it to 2 cups a day
23. Go out,
24. Try to stay busy so you do not obsess too much
25. Find a good obstetrician
26. Investigate good hospitals
27. Calculate the exact day when your pregnancy test should be positive
28. Watch one dvd a day
29. Send your husband a love letter each day
30. Clean up the refrigerator 
31. Get rid of toxic chemicals in your house
32. Take a regular nap - Naps are God's gift to the impatient.
33. Meditate - Do Yoga
34. Spend more time talking to your husband
35. Go out with a girlfriend for some tea
36. Ask your husband to do the vacuuming, dishwasher, laundry, and garbage disposal
37. Practice peeing on a stick - with a Q tip
38. Investigate life insurance
39. Paint your rooms - During pregnancy the smells may drive you crazy
40. Reorganize the kitchen
41. Do some gardening
42. Repot your plants
43. Take the dog for long walks
44. Check the medicine cabinet and throw out old medications
45. Wash the dog
46. Go to a museum - each day a different one
47. Cut coupons
48. Watch for maternity clothes sales
49. Read a good book, or two, or three..
50. Reorganize your closets

Taken from :

http://www.babymed.com/getting-pregnant/50-things-do-2ww

Finally a possible light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!

So I have been feeling very down the last few days, between finding out who your true friends are, and my body not doing what it should be doing, it's been very stressful.....Up until just a minute ago! 


For many women seeing CM change throughout their cycle is nothing new to them (most have no idea what they are looking for anyways lol, and may not notice the change!) and they see it month in and month out, well for us PCOSer's we are LUCKY to see certain CM at all LOL....Well last night and today my uterus/ovary area has been very crampy and both ovaries have been very crampy today (almost painful)....I haven't been doing opk's since I ran out of the one kind and don't want to mix them mid cycle. Well anyways today I just got a LOT of ewcm....I am soooo happy (this is something that I haven't seen in a LONG LONG time...that I ever remember anyways). Hopefully I will be in my 2ww as of tomorrow or the following day! How exciting!!!!! :D 


Thank you too all who are supporting and following my journey as well as the many many prayers that have been said for DH & I...It means more than you will ever know ;) 

Tired Of Fake Ass People

So I wasn't going to post anything, but I am REALLY tired of some fake ass people in my life. If you have to "confirm" your story with another person...you are a LIAR....period....Forever talking crap behind everyone's backs and then being nice to their face....again FAKE....NO your journey is NOTHING like mine...PERIOD...your struggles are NOTHING like mine, YOU have NEVER suffered a LOSS.....PERIOD....so just BACK OFF....you don't know a thing about me and my journey that is pretty obvious! But you are supposed to be a "friend" yeah f*cking right! 

No change....more confusing days ahead

So there is nothing really to report that is new. My temps are still very low, and nothing has changed as far as my cycle goes. I stopped doing OPK's yesterday, as it was my last test in the container. I am going to continue taking my temps every morning and see what they do from here, if nothing happens by around CD35 then I will give up on this cycle and call it quits for a while. I am not going to hold my breath for a miracle as that is what it is going to really going to take to make something happen this cycle. 

A better day

After a few days that have been extremely difficult I have finally been able to calm down again. The emotions that come with this journey are so overwhelming that anyone not experiencing it has no idea! For some of us the days just come and go with the same monotone as the rest, and for others of us the days come and go with bumps similar to a roller coaster. When you first see that +opk you want to jump for joy, but at the same time you have to be cautiously optimistic (like I said previously), since us with PCOS can have so many false +'s. 


So finally yesterday I got another +opk that lines up with the dramatic temp drop I had taking away my CH's on FF (saying that I did not O when I/FF thought I did), and also the increased urination, and sore bb's. So here I am still stuck in limbo waiting for the next few days temps. If I did/do O today I would be due July 13th. We will see in the coming days what my temps do and hopefully I get a nice huge temp rise indicating O so I can hopefully get back in the 2ww and hopefully get a BFP at the end of this month. Oddly enough my sister was due July 13th with my nephew, Cherri22 a baby psychic said I would conceive, or get a positive test in November of this year or due the following November with a boy (I don't take too much stock into psychic's but it's just weird how everything is lining up). None of this was "planned" to fall on these days at all. I was hoping for a CD16 day O, but I will gladly take CD26, if it gets me a beautiful baby in my arms ;-). Another odd thing lining up is that I was supposed to go to a new ob/gyn for a physical and the dr's office "lost my referral" from JULY, so finally when I called they said they had to get a new referral and send it over, blah blah and then they send me my paperwork in the end of September saying that I have an appointment November 3rd which would be 13dpo, which is when they would be able to confirm pregnancy!  


Hopefully my next post you will get is a happy my CH's are back post! 

Hoping to wake up from this nightmare

So when I took my temp this am it was very low (dropped below my cover line). So I have no idea what is going on this cycle now. I am ready to throw in the towel and give up, but I know I just can't do that. The Opk's are back to way negative. I don't know if my temp is low because my room temperature was FREEZING this morning or what. I am hoping that my temp goes back up and gives me hope this cycle. 


I am really trying to relax and let whatever happen, happen, but it is extremely hard being 25yrs old with that thought in the back of your mind as to whether you are every going to be a mommy or not, when it is something that you have dreamed about since you were a little girl. It's a nightmare that I really hope to wake up from soon. It's amazing to think that one day you wake up and get the most terrible news in the world that destroys your life and what you had always dreamed of having. I have really come to a conclusion that if I do not ovulate from this cycle then I am going to take some time off from ttc and really focus on losing weight and possibly just taking Vitex or something, and if I DO ovulate by some miracle this cycle and do not get pregnant I will do another cycle of Femara. This whole process with infertility is for the birds! It tests not only your own faith but the strength of your marriage/relationship as well. I never imagined I would be the one walking in these shoes. 


Hopefully there will be a positive post in the next few days that my temp shot way up and there is still hope this cycle, but as it's looking right now, it's not looking like that is going to happen. Miracles do happen and that is REALLY what this cycle is going to have to turn into. Thank God tomorrow is a new day.  

CD19-22

So the last few days have been pretty rough. I am not sure that I did ovulate after all. So I am sitting here in limbo again. My opk's started to get darker again (forgot to take one this am...dang it!), and also started having more ovulation pain (for sure in ovaries, on both sides) and also had an increase in cm all of a sudden. So I have no idea what is going on...I guess we will just have to wait and see in the next week what my temps do. I wish I just had insurance so that I could go and get monitored, or I wish even more that I just ovulated every month on my own so I don't have to go through all of this pain and emotional roller coaster. 


I just want to know why me? Why am I the one who has to go through this, why my girls on my board? What have we done that is so bad that we are forced to go through this heart ache and pain? Why not the drug addicted fools who use drugs through their whole pregnancy and have no desire to have a child....WHY?! 


I am so thankful for who and what I have in my life. My hubby knew that I had a rough day on sweetest day and also pregnancy loss day, so he brought me home a dozen roses in my favorite color (pink!). They are gorgeous and he always knows what to do to help me through these rough times. Without him by my side I could not do this. Also on the remembrance day my sister posted on my FB wall that she was thinking about me and sending me lots of hugs across country. It means more to me than she will ever know. To have my families support is the only thing I have ever wanted. For them to recognize that I AM actually going through the emotional roller coaster of emotions caused by infertility...and it SUCKS! Now if I could just get other family members on board without the added "fake-ness" and just true support it would make this journey a lot easier. 


In the end I know that God whom I call my higher power does have a plan for me. I don't understand why he has chosen this long hard path of infertility for me, but I know it will all work out in the end and I need to have faith that God will not let me down. 

Today is national Infant and pregnancy loss day :-(

So I knew I needed to do an updated blog but I have been debating on what to write about. So I chose this topic.


Today is national Infant and pregnancy loss day. I knew it was coming up, but I have been dreading this day since September is the month that my daughter was due (Sept. 14th) and then a month and a day later it is Infant/pregnancy loss day. Of course I can not just avoid the day, but I also do not want to mourn all day either. Today also happens to be sweetest day. So in order to not mourn the whole day I have allowed myself to cry the tears I need to cry and light a candle in remembrance of my daughter. I have learned a lot since entering/completing counseling a few months back. It is ok to mourn the loss of my daughter, but it is not ok for it to control my life (which it hasn't). The pain is still fresh in the back of my mind, and I do not think I will ever be "totally over it". When someone suffers a loss that has infertility it's absolute hell. There is always that wonder "will I ever be able to have children". No one can honestly answer that question besides God himself. I know once I get the joy to hold a precious child I created in my arms that life, and the loss of my daughter will become easier, but it's something that I will never forget, and until then the pain is still there. 


I will always be proud to say that I am a mommy of an angel baby. 


Please light a candle in remembrance of all babies born sleeping, lost in utero, or the loss of an infant.
  

CD 17&18

Wanted to give you guys a quick update!!!! So according to FF, if I get one more higher temp then I get solid CH's on CD16!!!!!!! Which at that point would mean I am 3dpo :) .....I am almost certain that I did O, according to all the symptoms I have gotten around/before/after the day I am thinking is O day (increased appetite, sore bb's/nips, sleepy, headache etc). 


So let the horribly long 2WW begin :/ ....I am not a very patient person for those who truly know me lol....I am going to attempt holding off peeing on anything (LOL) until at least 12-13dpo....that is my hope anyways! LOTS of prayers needed for a sticky BFP this month!!!!!!!! XOXO


Here is a link to my chart for anyone who would like to see it/knows how to read BBT charts LOL 
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/373d9d/

CD 15&16

I am thinking that I got a +opk on CD 14 & CD16 (which is today), along with a nice temp dip this am. I am hoping this is the real thing (O), I am not trying to get my hopes up too much though...I am being cautiously optimistic :) We will see in the next couple of days :) According to fertility friend I could ovulate between CD14 and CD18 (which is 48 hours after the CD16 +opk). I hope and pray this is it for us! 

CD 13&14

So far my temps are staying pretty consistent in the 97.xx range. The OPK's are DEFINITELY getting darker! Hopefully I will get a positive in the next few days. I am not getting my hopes up too much though since I know that it can delay O until around CD 21+....I hope it's sooner than that, but only time will tell, and patience LOTS of patience, which is NOT my strong suit! 


Hope everyone is having a great weekend! It's been nice, warm and sunny here in Mi (which is quite nice, since some have said rain and snow where they live!). Going over to my parents house today to do laundry and have dinner. :) We are having chicken strips, onion rings and mozzarella sticks (ALL homemade!) Yummy!!! Not too healthy but it sure does sound good! I am also making hubby a chocolate pudding pie since he doesn't like the berry pie that my parents have LOL! 

CD 11&12

Nothing much to report still. My temperatures have been crazy the last couple of days, I have no idea what is going on with them! I have increased "ovary action" in my right ovary, but that's about it! The OPK's are still negative, so I know that I still haven't O'd yet....Patiently waiting and praying that the Femara does in fact work for us! Feeling so much better finally! Hope everyone is doing well! 

Comments

I just realized that I had the comment part set up wrong. So if you would like to comment, now you all should be able to :) Sorry about that. 

CD 10

Nothing much going on here. Hubby has been working long afternoon/night shifts this week (it's been 1:30-9:30pm) so dinner is kind of hard. Got a lot of stuff done yesterday. Finally starting to feel a little better since the meds have finally kicked in. Have been taking OPK's every morning and there is still a light line, but no where near a positive...yet... I hope we both can get feeling back up to 100% before I end up ovulating. I am CD10 right now, so hopefully I don't ovulate (IF I do) until CD 14+


A LOT of bickering on my Soy/FB group...I really hope it calms back down, as I didn't create the group to bicker with one another. I understand that TTC is a LOT on all of us, but I hope we can all get passed this. I love the girls like they are my own sisters. I would hate to see the group break up. 

CD 8&9

The last couple days have been pretty uneventful and not too much to update on, other than the fact that Mike and I both ended up in urgent care last night and both ended up being sent home with Bactrim for UTI's (and I also got sent home with diflucan for a Y/I...lovely)....seriously UGH! The DR said it is possibly from the new med (Femara) or the pre-seed, or sheer "luck of the draw".....I hope this doesn't end up ruining this cycle :/ , but since I am so early in this cycle I hope it doesn't effect it at all. We shall see. Not feeling any cramping or anything in the ovaries yet, and OPK's are still negative so hopefully we will both be better by the time ovulation time rolls around. Wish us luck!!!!!!!!!!! 

CD 7

Hello all- Short post today. Very excited to say that tonight is my last dose of Femara! I can't wait to see how it works!! Mike and I are going over to my parents house today so that we can do some laundry (we usually do this once weekly), plus we always try to get a weekly game of dominoes (Mexican train) in as well. Have a great day everyone!!! :) 

Can I please have my dessert now?!

Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."

The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you."

You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

CD6

Nothing major to report here, on CD6 and I have for sure ruled out the femara causing the puking. I took the 3rd dose last night and I had no feelings of nausea or vomiting (didn't on the 1st dose either!), I was extremely happy to rule out the femara. Still have a minor headache and minor joint pain, nothing I wouldn't deal with again if it gives me the magical BFP I have been dreaming about since the day we started trying. So here's to hoping those little follies are growing nice and big :) and actually release!!!! Praying very hard that this is it for us! I would be happier to have a BFP for Christmas than all the gifts in the world!